ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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