Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
why is half of my head shaved?
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