apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
