I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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