I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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