Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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