Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize