oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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