Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
we're so committed to being not committed
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
