i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
