You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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