I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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