i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
