I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
