We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
