we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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