Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
