and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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