Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
