You're completely useless in the revolution.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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