I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
A bitchslap is in order.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
