On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
