its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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