i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
