I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
