I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
