It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
