This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
