M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think people are normalizing furries
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
