I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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