Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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