My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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