I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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