I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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