OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
