____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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