I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You ate ashes out of my bong
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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