nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
