i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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