the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
