some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
