You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
