What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
