He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
