I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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