you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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