I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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