if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
