My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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