lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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