I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
