You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
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When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize