I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
whose parrot is this?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
