Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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