Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
